I love my tea made a certain way. The proportions and ratios are important to me. Usually, I’m the one making it, ensuring it tastes the same every day. This consistency brings me joy. However, sometimes my wife makes the tea, especially during busy mornings when the kitchen is bustling with breakfast preparations for our one-year-old. During these times, she doesn’t always follow my precise method. She doesn’t measure and uses her judgment, leading to a different taste.

This frustrates me, and I often ask her how hard it is to follow simple instructions: use one cup of water, and one cup of milk, add the water first, let it boil with the condiments, and then add the milk. Despite my repeated feedback, the message doesn’t stick, and the scenario keeps repeating.

I brought up this issue in a coaching session, using the metaphor, “If it doesn’t stick, I haven’t spoken.” Communication happens on the listener’s terms. The coach asked me a simple question: What is the need that has been driving you.

I realized that tea is my constant, a ritual that I want to remain unchanged into the future. It symbolizes a co-creation that endures over time. As I discussed this, I felt a sense of clarity. The tea was more than just a drink; it was an emotional metaphor.

By the end of the conversation, I had a revelation. While explaining the “why” to the coach, I realized I had never explained the “why” to my wife. I was fixated on the “how,” and obsessed with proportions and ratios. The “how” didn’t resonate with her because I never communicated the deeper meaning behind it.

This experience taught me an important lesson: start with a “why”. The “how” is known and sometimes common sense. I was obsessed on the “how” because I wanted to control the outcome. My wife never realized “why” it is so important for me. Be vulnerable, tell the “why” and the how will take care of itself.